February Guest Writer:
Pamela Henkelman
We've gathered 12 guest writers to add HOPE to your inbox in 2021! We're honored to have author, speaker and coach, Pamela Henkelman, as our guest writer this month. Pamela is an enthusiastic encourager who believes all of life flows from our intimacy with God. She helps weary, discontent, Christian women build a deep bond with God and understand His love. She will also be our Slaying The Stigma video series guest next month, where she will share more of her story!
The bleeding starts on a Friday after I return from the doctor’s office to confirm the pregnancy. In a panic, I called my doctor, and he put me on bed rest immediately. He says to come back Monday, and we’d check my HGC levels. I phone my two best friends who just announce their pregnancies. We were ecstatic that our due dates are days apart. It is both their first pregnancies and my second. What had been joyful excitement a few days earlier turns to deep sadness.
Our world is turned upside down in an afternoon. My frustrated toddler doesn’t understand why mommy isn’t available to help him. My young husband is equally bewildered, as he tries to console me. Waves of sobs roll through my body as I beg God to rescue our baby. I am diligent to remain still in hopes of my lack of movement overturning the crisis. I try to remain hopeful, but with the steady bleeding, I prepare myself for the worst.
I return to the clinic Monday and indeed my levels have dropped. My baby is gone. No siblings for my toddler, no “big brother” t-shirt this day. I want a brown-eyed girl desperately; it is my childhood dream. Why are my two best friends still pregnant, and I’m not? I have lost two grandpas, but this loss feels intimate and personal.
It’s 1990, so there is no social media or no way to let anyone know quickly. It feels somber and quiet. We call family and friends and are left in silence. How do you grieve a loss like this? I feel isolated and alone. I’m confused as I question if the miscarriage is my fault. Have I somehow caused it? What is wrong with me? No one talks about it. It feels shameful to bring up.
I call my mentor/friend Winnie and as we sit at the kitchen table talking and crying, she gives me a book called I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford. It is the soothing help I need for my fragile heart.
As we go over the book, we read a passage from 2 Samuel 13. David’s wife has a baby which dies. Here’s the story:
He answered, While the child was still alive I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The Lord loved him. 2 Samuel 2:13:22-24
Two truths are illuminated in my spirit that tearful afternoon. Though my baby is gone, we will be reunited one day. My baby can’t come back to me, but I will go to them, one day in heaven. This thought brings me immense peace. I imagine there are special servants assigned to care for babies in heaven.
The second truth shot off the page, straight to my heart. The verse, “Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her. She gave birth to a son.” I remember exclaiming to my friend Winnie. “Look what this bereaved couple did. They comforted each other by making love and she got pregnant. They didn’t wait! It says he lay with her once and she got pregnant.” This ignites my faith in a supernatural way and miraculously, I am pregnant the next month. My girlfriend’s babies are born in November, and my brown-eyed daughter, Moriah, arrives the third week of January.
My story of fertility is not everyone’s story, and I know thousands of women battle this grief every day. My story is simply about the power of reaching out to a trusted friend/mentor and my connection with a gracious God. He met me in a very sad season with His faithfulness and the gift of a brown-eyed daughter I dreamed of.
My union with God is the only thing that helped me as I walked through those days of grief. I wasn’t mad at God, instead, I ran to Him for comfort. I poured over the Word and I spend a lot of time in Psalms. David’s transparency with God becomes a model for my grief.
Sweet friend, don’t face pregnancy loss alone. Grief and sorrow can feel disorienting. We didn’t do anything wrong. It’s healthy to find a trusted friend or mentor and talk about our losses. Talking to God about our broken hearts is healing too. God carried me with compassion and grace and answered the cry of my heart in a most miraculous way.
We are seen, mommas. Our babies are cared for in heaven and we will be reunited one day. God is working all the hard things together for good. We can run to Him in our pain and let His Words of love and truth sustain us, as we wait on Him.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Thank you for seeing this hurting momma. She’s disoriented and confused. Please help her know You want to comfort her in Her pain. Help her reach out to You so she can know Your love, compassion, and strength. Amen.
Still, struggling?
I have a free five-day devotional that will help you with your connection to God. "Draw Near Beloved: Five Encouragements to Increase Your Intimacy with God.” Simply click on the link HERE and leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
-Pamela Henkelman
Pamela’s favorite way to connect with her readers is through her monthly Be[Loved] Notes newsletter and her weekly blogs. If you’d like to receive some love in your inbox, hop on over to her website, pamelahenkelman.com and sign up for the good stuff. She has a Library of Free Resources for her email friends, and you can also join her private FB group for women called Be[Loved] Community with Pamela Henkelman. She pops on there live each week with teaching. You can also connect with Pamela on Instagram.