may guest writer:
Becky Beresford
We've gathered 12 guest writers to add HOPE to your inbox in 2021! We're honored to have author & speaker, Becky Beresford, as our featured writer this month.
For the Mom Who Always Wanted a Little Girl (or Boy)
“Are you going to try for that girl?”
I try to force a smile on my face, but the effort seems futile. I feel the sting in my heart every time someone asks because the answer is abundantly clear. Of course, I wish I could. I’ve always wanted a little girl.
Growing up, my sisters and I made lists of the possible names of our future children. I had a plethora of options for girls, way more than boys. Abigail. Ellie. Chloe. The list goes on and on.
I saved some of my baby clothes and my favorite dress for a little lady I would one day hold. I had diamonds set aside for a necklace we would give her on her 16th birthday. My grandma made me a blanket as a child, stitched with a white and pink checkerboard. I had a fresh version of the blanket made for my daughter.
As an adult, I worked in women’s ministry before I became a mom. I went back to grad school in order to learn how to disciple God’s Girls in wisdom, truth and love. I’ve always had a heart for connecting with other women. I thought for sure, when the time came, the Lord would give me a girl.
And yet, the desire still lingers.
Jesus has blessed me with three amazing boys. He’s also introduced me to a deep bond between mothers and sons I never knew existed. It’s hard to imagine one day they will stop dancing with me and instead, will dance with their future brides. I love them dearly. I wear the boymom badge proudly. I would never change anything about them or revise our precious family.
But I still wonder.
I still think about the child we lost at only 6 weeks and wonder if that beautiful baby was a girl. We wanted another baby badly. We were trying for months. When we found out we were pregnant, my heart leapt with joy because I thought “this is it!” I would finally be able to give my daughter all the keepsakes from my past.
A few weeks later, I started to bleed, and the dream of a daughter began to fade. Was this our girl? Was this the only chance I would have to raise a daughter on earth, and now she was gone? I’m not sure, but it could be true.
Sometimes I feel guilty for wondering and wanting – for not being completely content with the family I have. But God has shown me I don’t need to force a smile with Him. I can be raw and real with the emotions swirling in my soul. He can handle it, and it’s something He wants to do also.
He wants to hold my hand in the midst of unmet desires and longings that linger. He wants to hear my questions and shelter me in my sorrow. He doesn’t judge me or shame me because I still want a little girl. Instead, He draws me close and tells me He understands.
He is the God who cares, and He is the God who sees. This reality alone brings healing to the pain beating below the surface. Pain so many people do not see.
This is such a vulnerable area of my life, one I often don’t talk about. I never want my boys to feel like I don’t want them or I wish something was different. I don’t. I love my life. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the children Jesus has blessed me with – I know so many women going through the heart-wrenching journey of infertility. I just wish I could have all of my babies here with me now. I just want to see each of their faces every passing day. I want to possess on earth what we have in heaven. I want both/and.
I think it’s important we realize we don’t need to tie a tidy bow on our grief.
We don’t need to put a positive spin on a deep loss that made our Creator weep with us. It’s okay to thank God for being present in the shadows and not thank Him for the dark. It’s okay to let the Holy Spirit comfort us while our cries continue to surround Him. It’s okay to feel and let our Savior bind up our wounds with love. Healing can be miraculous and instantaneous in some situations, but with loss… healing takes time.
There’s a place in our hearts that will always feel the sting and it’s okay. Even Jesus in His resurrected body has scars. It’s okay if we bare ours too.
Dear mama, we are all part of this community of women who never wanted to experience this type of loss. We may not have the answers to why, but we can be reassured God will redeem, restore and remake this hurting world into something glorious and new.
Maybe, like my Grandma, I will have a daughter-in-law for a best friend. Maybe God will give me a multitude of granddaughters in the years to come. Maybe we aren’t done growing our family or the Lord has a little girl for us to adopt. I don’t know, but God knows the desire for a daughter still lingers, and He doesn’t blame me for it. He doesn’t blame any of us. He knows our desires, and together as grieving mamas, we can trust Him with working out of what’s good.
God is with us – giving our hurting hearts hope until our little ones welcome us into the faithful arms of Jesus.
-Becky Beresford
Becky Beresford lives in Huntley, IL with her husband and three wild boys. She is a writer, dreamer and speaker with a Master’s Certificate in Discipleship from Moody Theological Seminary. Becky loves encouraging God’s Daughters to embrace their truest selves in Christ and walk out the gospel truths fully loved by God.
She would love to connect with you online at BeckyBeresford.com, where she hosts the weekly Brave Women Series, featuring different women and their journeys toward courage with Jesus. Sign up to receive these inspiring stories in your inbox, and you’ll also get a copy of the Brave Woman Manifesto: Five Things to Tell Yourself When Life Gets Hard for FREE. Follow her over on Facebook | Instagram | Twitter, and make sure to say hi! She’d love to get to know you more.