September Guest Writer: Skyler Clark
I was 12 weeks pregnant when my doctor showed me the results of our genetic test. I was pregnant with another boy! How exciting it was to think about our current son having a best friend and playmate only two years apart. My doctor also shared that our tests came back showing there was a 6% chance my baby had Trisomy 18 and she would be sending me to high risk doctor to get evaluated. I barely thought about it. With only a 6% chance, I didn’t even entertain that anything could actually be wrong.
I was around 16 weeks when we had that next ultrasound. It was hard to see on our baby as he was still so small, but the doctor began to see things that were concerning. The heart not being formed quite right, the brain looking a bit off, my umbilical cord only had two strands. I left that appointment with my head spinning. As the months and the pregnancy progressed, we had regular high-risk ultrasounds that continued to show us that Trisomy 18 was strongly probable. I was offered an amniocentesis but refused. Either way, I knew my choice was going to be to let this baby live for as long as we had with him. We were warned that IF he even made it to birth and didn’t pass away in the womb, that he wouldn’t have very long to live.
At 34 weeks my water broke. I had so much amniotic fluid due to Levi not having a fully formed esophagus and it had made my belly so incredibly full and uncomfortable. I checked into the local hospital and shortly after I was taken by ambulance to the high-risk hospital an hour away. They said I was having regular contractions but I couldn’t feel anything. I prayed in the ambulance and felt that the Lord told me He was getting me where I needed to be. Sure enough, as soon as I was wheeled through the hospital doors I began to feel not right. They got me on a hospital bed and checked my vitals and told me Levi’s heart rate was low and asked for my permission to perform an emergency c-section. As soon as I agreed, doctors were being called for in the hall, things were being pulled from the wall, and my bed raced down the hall as the nurse yelled STAT. I was so scared.
Levi was born and put straight into NICU. I didn’t get to meet him until the following day when I was able to get off the bed and into a wheelchair. He was hooked up to many things but able to grab my hand and look at me. We had 4 beautiful days with him there, as we saw him often and allowed family that traveled from many states over just to come visit him. On day 4, tests came back confirming his Trisomy 18 diagnosis. Surrounded by family, we held our Levi for the first and last time as we disconnected him from life support and watched him go on to Jesus.
My story is filled with grief and may even be a hard story to read, but that’s only if you stop there. My story is also filled with so much hope. Levi changed my life for the better. In the weeks and months following his loss I allowed myself to hurt and to be sad and even to be mad and ask God hard, raw questions. God always met me where I was. For many weeks I couldn’t even pray. All I could do was sit and turn my attention to God and feel whatever I felt. Words felt like they fell short and I had nothing to say. In this raw place with the Lord, I came face to face with many of my own doubts and fears. I wondered if God was good, if He was even trustworthy, if He could even protect me. My faith felt weaker than ever. But again, He met me there. He was always so gentle and understanding and as He slowly began to answer those questions and change my perspective, my faith became stronger than it ever had. He was enough for me in my darkest moment.
From Levi’s story, I began to face things like anxiety and control that I had struggled with my entire life. For the first time, I was willing to dig into those struggles and look at why I had them. Through my own Christian counseling and my quiet time with God I began to heal from things I had struggled with my whole life. Levi was the one that made me that brave. I also began to write. I started a blog and began to write from that same vulnerability I had learned to walk in, since losing Levi. I wanted others to know they weren’t alone in things like anxiety, perfectionism, control, grief, and even just the daily struggles of motherhood.
Speaking of motherhood, I went on to have another baby boy only 17 months after Levi. God redeemed the dream to have another boy close to my first son. They are now ages 6 and 3 and love playing together. And it doesn’t stop there! After my 3rd son, I thought I was done. His birth ended in another c-section and because there was so much scar tissue from Levi’s c-section, the doctor warned me to think hard about having any more children. It was traumatic and I was angry, as I felt it was so unfair that the choice I made to save Levi could take away from having more children. I had been through so much trauma I thought it was time to decide to be finished having babies. But deep down I had a desire to have a daughter. A daughter we had named years before. God began walking me through the process of trusting Him enough to dream with Him. To hope with Him. To write out my desires even through the fears that I had that they may never come true. Slowly, God began speaking that this was also His desire for me. It was a process of lots of surrender, healing from fears, and processing more of what happened with Levi, but I now sit here typing this story 20 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl!!
My story is my own and your story may look and sound very different. What I want to share is this: there is hope, He is faithful, and your story isn’t over yet. God was committed to redeeming my story and I believe He’s still doing just that. He takes what the enemy means for evil and He turns it around for good. He takes mourning and turns it to dancing. How he does this can look different for each one of us. He’s a personal God. God’s heart breaks for our losses too.
So wherever you may be in your story, allow yourself to be right there. Cry if you need to cry, grieve when you need to grieve, be mad when you are angry, even ask the hard questions to God as He can handle it. That place of realness and vulnerability is right where healing begins. Allow Him to hold your heart and your pain and trust He knows how to use it for good somehow, even if that’s hard to imagine right now. He is so very faithful to us.
Levi’s name was Levi Josiah. It meant “joined together” and “God has healed”. Levi’s name became my testimony. God held me together and healed me from not only grief, but things I had struggled with for my whole life. Levi would be about 4.5 years old now and I have changed so much in that time. My faith is deeper and more real than ever before and I believe walking through those things gave me the faith to believe for the children that have come since Levi. It’s crazy to see how something that I thought would take me out has actually been used to propel me forward. I still cry tears for my Levi from time to time, and I hope I always remain sensitive to his life, but I can’t be sad without also feeling gratefulness as well. Grateful that he was mine for even a short while. Grateful for what his life has taught and still teaches me, and grateful for all the Lord has done for me in the years following my loss. He is always faithful and therefore there is always hope.
Skyler is a Licensed Associate Counselor who is passionate about helping others navigate life's tough emotions. She also enjoys writing and sharing about her life after loss journey on her blog at RestOMySoul.com or @restomysoul on Instagram & Rest O My Soul on Facebook.