Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series where you’ll meet women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ll also see how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman.
Today we meet Laura Villasana, who is a kind and compassionate woman that makes us smile each time we see her. She has become increasingly involved as a volunteer and next year she’s taking the lead on one of our upcoming socials—another date night! She is also mother to two living children, including Selah Lucia, born in October of 2018.
LAURA, PLEASE INTRODUCE US TO YOUR BABY.
I was 4-6 weeks when I had my miscarriage. We’ll never know if it was one baby or twins. My husband and I had been trying to have another baby for about two years and test after test was always negative. Slowly but surely it started sinking in... “I may not be able to have anymore babies?”. We remained hopeful but some days less than others. It got too painful to even bother testing, but I wanted a baby so badly.
Then, as if it was meant to be rubbed in my face, it seemed like everyone was having babies or getting pregnant. Everywhere! That was tough and I was an emotional mess. I struggled to control my anxiety but with every announcement I heard or saw, it was like getting stabbed with a dagger in the chest. Oh, how that hurt. The worst thing, in all honesty, was that I did NOT want to feel this way. I wanted to genuinely be happy for each mother, but it hurt so much. I’d pray and pray for God to take that feeling away from me, but envy just wanted to make itself at home in my heart. I didn’t want it. I started isolating myself more and more, to “protect” myself. But isolation is one of the biggest lies. Like a trap. Coming from a broken home, losing my mom, being so far away the rest of my family...it didn’t help at all.
Then one day, I was having a yard sale to sell all my son’s baby items because I was certain there would be no baby in the near future. I had accepted that it was not my timing, but that morning I was feeling nauseous with hot flashes and an abnormal sense of joy. Could it be?! I could not wait to test! Was I finally going to get to make one of those cute surprise baby announcements you find on Pinterest!? And surprise my husband?!
My plan was to put the remaining yard sale stuff away and rush to the nearest store, but not a busy one because I didn’t want to run into anyone with a pregnancy test, only to find out I was not pregnant. That was shame talking. So, I went to a Family Dollar, Dollar General and Dollar Tree. All three stores were out! I had no time to attempt sneaking into Walmart because I had to go pick up my husband, or time to surprise him, if it was a positive test.
The next morning, Sunday September 17, 2017 I started to cramp very little and spot. Once again, I was crushed—I thought I had started my period and was absolutely not pregnant again. That same morning someone else I knew announced her pregnancy and this time I could not bear the news. I had a panic attack and could barely control myself. I found myself crying out to God, questioning and begging Him to take the envy away from me. It was not who I was, and I kept begging for him to take it away. Why couldn’t I be next? What is wrong with my body?
Immediately I thought…what if I am pregnant right now? After my time with the Lord, I wanted to go buy a test but again, I didn’t have time that day. Then, I had a sudden urge to use the bathroom. I saw and without any knowledge, I immediately knew what I was looking at. I yelled for my son to get his dad for me...we were both blank. I asked him to hurry and buy me a test. I took the test and sure enough it was positive.
There was a sense of joy because I had been pregnant, God did give me a baby or two for just a little while. And I was heartbroken because they were gone. Something we had prayed for constantly and waited for, suddenly gone. No one prepares you for that.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE LEFT YOU LOOKING FOR SUPPORT? WAS THERE ANYONE WHO SUPPORTED YOU WELL?
I felt so alone. I wanted to scream out about my miscarriage in hopes of someone telling me they understood my pain and joining me at such a low time. God in his grace and sovereignty started to put friends in my life who led me to wonderful ministries, one of them of course being Gathering Hope and another ministry called MomLink. Both were there for such a time, when I was finding myself in a pit.
In terms of looking for support, I kept going back to my mom. I wish she was still alive and had walked this journey with me. But God was and is faithful to provide a means of support through Gathering Hope and the loving community within. He also gave me new friendships, something he knew I needed—we all do!
HOW DID YOU FIND GATHERING HOPE AND WHAT HELPED YOU DECIDE TO COME? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A MOM WHO MAY BE HESITANT ABOUT ATTENDING A GATHERING?
I met Peyton in 2014 because our family was taking a trip to Utah and I had received some advice for traveling with an infant. It was recommended that we use some sort of carrier and wear him. So, through a Facebook group we were both a part of, I asked if anyone would be willing to let me borrow a carrier. I believe Peyton was the only one who replied. We drove to her home and she took time to help me properly use her Boba carrier—I had no idea such thing existed! So, from there we became Facebook friends. Soon after that, she shared what the Lord was asking of her and Gathering Hope was born. I followed and was excited for her. I watched how God was just blooming this ministry and then Carol joined the mission for Gathering Hope!
As I watched everything unfold the first year, in my naive mind I’d say to myself, “It’s great, how awesome that there is something for moms facing loss! But I’m sure I’ll never go to it.” Little did I know, I found myself taking a seat at Gathering Hope 2017. I had my miscarriage that September, less than a month before Gathering Hope that year! Was I hesitant? Most definitely. Thanks to all the posts on Facebook about the gathering and my husband encouraging me to attend, I signed up. He saw how much this could help me and how there was hope that I could actually benefit from this event. He felt helpless because he just couldn’t relate to my pain.
I know it takes courage to sign up and bravery to get in your car and drive yourself to a gathering. I know you might try to talk yourself out of it, but please don’t. Give yourself this opportunity to be embraced by this community who understands and is ready to join you in your walk. It’s not promised that your pain will all go away...but you will leave with something. The Lord already has something planned for each individual mom who will take a seat at Gathering Hope.
That year, from the moment I pulled up to the parking lot, I could feel that all these strangers wanted to serve me, welcome me and I felt loved. There were volunteers in the parking lot guiding me to the entrance. At the entrance there was a really cute sign with lights that read, “Welcome to Gathering Hope”. I teared up when I read it. It wasn’t a place I wanted to be, but it was a place of Hope and comfort and I had made it! I walked inside and ran into Peyton. I remember shrugging a little meaning, well I get to be here...I thought I would never go, but there I was.
Every volunteer was so nice, welcoming and gentle. I got to light a candle in memory of our baby (or babies), we worshiped, prayed and got to hear a few speakers. The most impactful one was Peyton’s husband, Justin. I still remember the part when he talked about how everyone outside the hospital was having a normal day, despite losing their son and his dad told him, “Life goes on…”. I was struggling to move forward and those words brought me so much encouragement. I will never forget that! That is what I need to hear, it’s what God had for me that night. Day after day, playing over and over in my head was Justin’s conversation with his dad. I wondered how could life go on after experiencing the loss of a child? I now know, only through God’s grace.
Editor’s note: We would never tell women to “move on”, but this is one of those “you had to be there” moments to understand the context of this part of Justin’s speech. It is a big part of Laura’s story and important to include here.
IF YOU HAVE BEEN TO A QUARTERLY SOCIAL, WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE?
I’ve been to a date night Quarterly Social event at the Axe Factory. It was so much fun! There was such a sense of peace in a weird way…I mean, peace while throwing axes?! There was so much laughter I think my cheeks were sore the next day! It was healing️ because the atmosphere was one where we could just let our guard down and relax, laugh and enjoy the great company of other couples who had experienced the loss of sweet babies.
There is something so relieving about being in company of people who understand what you’ve been through; not all the exact same way but still know the feeling of losing a tiny life. These socials create a safe place and it is bliss! For anyone who thinks about attending a social, do it! It will be one of those moments when you tell yourself, “I’m so glad I did it!” It’s an opportunity to meet other moms and/or dads (dads need this too!).
ARE YOU INVOLVED IN OUR ONLINE COMMUNITY? HOW HAS THAT IMPACTED YOUR JOURNEY OR HEALING?
Yes! This community is another safe place. A place to ask for help, prayer, share your babies, your story, struggles, joys, encouragement and love.
HOW HAS GATHERING HOPE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE?
Gathering Hope has helped me not feel so alone through this journey, through the community and the awareness and breaking the barriers of “not something we openly talk about.” I can honestly say that I felt like I had no one to talk about my miscarriage with; coming from a broken home, to losing my mom and being surrounded by others who either aren’t comfortable talking about it, who think it’s not a big deal or just don’t understand because they’ve never experienced anything like this... that’s what I was dealing with. Alone. I had no one but my husband and even he felt terrible, because he just felt so helpless. But Gathering Hope was there, walking with me.
WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO VOLUNTEER WITH GATHERING HOPE? HAS THAT CHANGED ANYTHING FOR YOU?
It was time to pass down what had been given to me. God put it in my heart to serve and give back—He gave me the strength to get through the first year after my miscarriage through Gathering Hope. He prepared my heart to pour back His love and His Hope into other moms facing loss. It took courage to obey and sign up to volunteer. There were doubts and fears that I wasn’t qualified enough or right for the task, but it’s been such an honor and joy to serve!
WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD SHARE WITH A MOM WHO FINDS HERSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF HER JOURNEY?
Give yourself grace and allow yourself to go through emotions. It’s normal but reach out to someone and don’t do it alone. Allow others to help carry the weight with you. God works all things for good, you can trust Him.
Are you one of the 1 in 4? We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE.
Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography
Makeup: Jennifer Thomson Trotter, Lip Service Makeup
Hair: Shannon Morgan, Adorn By Shannon Morgan