Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series over the last few months where you’ve met women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ve seen how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman. Today’s story is just a little bit different, but important and impactful.
As parents who’ve faced loss, we know how helpless it feels when we cannot help or save our babies. It’s confusing, agonizing and can elicit a wide range of feelings. Grief faced in the midst of losing a baby is beyond difficult, but there’s a secondary loss that we don’t often think about: grandparents. Grandparents have the unique heartbreak of not only missing their grandchild, but also watching their own children survive on this side of Heaven without their baby. Merilyn Vantine is one of those grandparents and this is her story.
I remember how excited our family was when we found out that Carol, my daughter-in-law, and Brad, my son, were expecting another child - and it was a boy!!! They already had two girls, so now Brad would have that son to coach in baseball that he had always wanted. Our family had experienced so many losses in the previous year, and finally, we had something happy to look forward to and celebrate.
That happiness was short-lived when the baby stopped moving in Carol’s womb. We were told that Matthew Lee Vantine, my 6th grandchild, would be delivered stillborn at 24 weeks. I remember how difficult it was to be in that hospital room, watching my sweet daughter-in-law go through labor and delivery, knowing that she would be going home empty handed.
As life went on, Carol seemed to be doing well—or so we thought. To be honest, since I had never personally experienced the loss of a baby, I had no idea that Carol was still grieving Matthew’s loss 6 years later until she began writing a blog about her experience in December, 2016. I am still amazed, and somewhat ashamed, that I hadn’t noticed. In February, 2017 she met Peyton. From that chance meeting (we all know it wasn’t really chance, it was a God-thing!), Gathering Hope has become what it is today - a wonderful community that offers resources, healing and comfort to those grieving the loss of a baby.
I have been volunteering with Gathering Hope since 2017 and it has been such a blessing in my life. It has brought me closer to Carol and helped me understand what it’s like to lose a baby. I love that I can in some way offer love and support, and maybe make a difference to a grieving mom.
The online resources are also invaluable, not only to moms, but for someone like me. For instance, a few months ago I read an article on the Gathering Hope Facebook page that gave suggestions about things to say to a mom who has lost her baby. I was so grateful that I’d read that post, because a short time later at our Easter church service, Carol introduced me to a friend of hers who lost her son. During our conversation, I remembered the post I read and asked what her baby’s name was. The next time I saw her, she thanked me for asking his name and said it meant so much to her. People don’t ask questions like that and it helps to say their name!
Little things can mean so much. I am so grateful to Gathering Hope for making such a positive difference in my life, as well as so many grieving moms. My eyes have definitely been opened!
Note from Carol:
Merilyn has always been a great support to our family, but since she started volunteering at Gathering Hope in 2017, she’s taken that support to a whole new level. She has volunteered at every single gathering that I’ve been a part of, including Oklahoma. Seeing her love and generosity poured out on the women of Gathering Hope, even though she hasn’t lost a baby herself, has touched my heart. She was one of the few people who held Matthew, or even saw him in person. The fact that she has her own memories of my son helps me know that he won’t be forgotten, or isn’t only remembered by me. When a friend or family member acknowledges that there is someone missing in your life, it means everything. I’m forever grateful.
Are you one of the 1 in 4? We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE.
Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography
Makeup: Madison King, Madam Bradley
Hair: Shannon Morgan, Adorn By Shannon Morgan