Laura

Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series where you’ll meet women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ll also see how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman.

Today we meet Laura Villasana, who is a kind and compassionate woman that makes us smile each time we see her. She has become increasingly involved as a volunteer and next year she’s taking the lead on one of our upcoming socials—another date night! She is also mother to two living children, including Selah Lucia, born in October of 2018.

LAURA, PLEASE INTRODUCE US TO YOUR BABY.

I was 4-6 weeks when I had my miscarriage. We’ll never know if it was one baby or twins. My husband and I had been trying to have another baby for about two years and test after test was always negative. Slowly but surely it started sinking in... “I may not be able to have anymore babies?”. We remained hopeful but some days less than others. It got too painful to even bother testing, but I wanted a baby so badly.

Then, as if it was meant to be rubbed in my face, it seemed like everyone was having babies or getting pregnant. Everywhere! That was tough and I was an emotional mess. I struggled to control my anxiety but with every announcement I heard or saw, it was like getting stabbed with a dagger in the chest. Oh, how that hurt. The worst thing, in all honesty, was that I did NOT want to feel this way. I wanted to genuinely be happy for each mother, but it hurt so much. I’d pray and pray for God to take that feeling away from me, but envy just wanted to make itself at home in my heart. I didn’t want it. I started isolating myself more and more, to “protect” myself. But isolation is one of the biggest lies. Like a trap. Coming from a broken home, losing my mom, being so far away the rest of my family...it didn’t help at all.

Then one day, I was having a yard sale to sell all my son’s baby items because I was certain there would be no baby in the near future. I had accepted that it was not my timing, but that morning I was feeling nauseous with hot flashes and an abnormal sense of joy. Could it be?! I could not wait to test! Was I finally going to get to make one of those cute surprise baby announcements you find on Pinterest!? And surprise my husband?!

My plan was to put the remaining yard sale stuff away and rush to the nearest store, but not a busy one because I didn’t want to run into anyone with a pregnancy test, only to find out I was not pregnant. That was shame talking. So, I went to a Family Dollar, Dollar General and Dollar Tree. All three stores were out! I had no time to attempt sneaking into Walmart because I had to go pick up my husband, or time to surprise him, if it was a positive test.

The next morning, Sunday September 17, 2017 I started to cramp very little and spot. Once again, I was crushed—I thought I had started my period and was absolutely not pregnant again. That same morning someone else I knew announced her pregnancy and this time I could not bear the news. I had a panic attack and could barely control myself. I found myself crying out to God, questioning and begging Him to take the envy away from me. It was not who I was, and I kept begging for him to take it away. Why couldn’t I be next? What is wrong with my body?

Immediately I thought…what if I am pregnant right now? After my time with the Lord, I wanted to go buy a test but again, I didn’t have time that day. Then, I had a sudden urge to use the bathroom. I saw and without any knowledge, I immediately knew what I was looking at. I yelled for my son to get his dad for me...we were both blank. I asked him to hurry and buy me a test. I took the test and sure enough it was positive.

There was a sense of joy because I had been pregnant, God did give me a baby or two for just a little while. And I was heartbroken because they were gone. Something we had prayed for constantly and waited for, suddenly gone. No one prepares you for that.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE LEFT YOU LOOKING FOR SUPPORT? WAS THERE ANYONE WHO SUPPORTED YOU WELL?

I felt so alone. I wanted to scream out about my miscarriage in hopes of someone telling me they understood my pain and joining me at such a low time. God in his grace and sovereignty started to put friends in my life who led me to wonderful ministries, one of them of course being Gathering Hope and another ministry called MomLink. Both were there for such a time, when I was finding myself in a pit.

In terms of looking for support, I kept going back to my mom. I wish she was still alive and had walked this journey with me. But God was and is faithful to provide a means of support through Gathering Hope and the loving community within. He also gave me new friendships, something he knew I needed—we all do!

HOW DID YOU FIND GATHERING HOPE AND WHAT HELPED YOU DECIDE TO COME? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A MOM WHO MAY BE HESITANT ABOUT ATTENDING A GATHERING?

I met Peyton in 2014 because our family was taking a trip to Utah and I had received some advice for traveling with an infant. It was recommended that we use some sort of carrier and wear him. So, through a Facebook group we were both a part of, I asked if anyone would be willing to let me borrow a carrier. I believe Peyton was the only one who replied. We drove to her home and she took time to help me properly use her Boba carrier—I had no idea such thing existed! So, from there we became Facebook friends. Soon after that, she shared what the Lord was asking of her and Gathering Hope was born. I followed and was excited for her. I watched how God was just blooming this ministry and then Carol joined the mission for Gathering Hope!

As I watched everything unfold the first year, in my naive mind I’d say to myself, “It’s great, how awesome that there is something for moms facing loss! But I’m sure I’ll never go to it.” Little did I know, I found myself taking a seat at Gathering Hope 2017. I had my miscarriage that September, less than a month before Gathering Hope that year! Was I hesitant? Most definitely. Thanks to all the posts on Facebook about the gathering and my husband encouraging me to attend, I signed up. He saw how much this could help me and how there was hope that I could actually benefit from this event. He felt helpless because he just couldn’t relate to my pain.

I know it takes courage to sign up and bravery to get in your car and drive yourself to a gathering. I know you might try to talk yourself out of it, but please don’t. Give yourself this opportunity to be embraced by this community who understands and is ready to join you in your walk. It’s not promised that your pain will all go away...but you will leave with something. The Lord already has something planned for each individual mom who will take a seat at Gathering Hope.

That year, from the moment I pulled up to the parking lot, I could feel that all these strangers wanted to serve me, welcome me and I felt loved. There were volunteers in the parking lot guiding me to the entrance. At the entrance there was a really cute sign with lights that read, “Welcome to Gathering Hope”. I teared up when I read it. It wasn’t a place I wanted to be, but it was a place of Hope and comfort and I had made it! I walked inside and ran into Peyton. I remember shrugging a little meaning, well I get to be here...I thought I would never go, but there I was.

Every volunteer was so nice, welcoming and gentle. I got to light a candle in memory of our baby (or babies), we worshiped, prayed and got to hear a few speakers. The most impactful one was Peyton’s husband, Justin. I still remember the part when he talked about how everyone outside the hospital was having a normal day, despite losing their son and his dad told him, “Life goes on…”. I was struggling to move forward and those words brought me so much encouragement. I will never forget that! That is what I need to hear, it’s what God had for me that night. Day after day, playing over and over in my head was Justin’s conversation with his dad. I wondered how could life go on after experiencing the loss of a child? I now know, only through God’s grace.

Editor’s note: We would never tell women to “move on”, but this is one of those “you had to be there” moments to understand the context of this part of Justin’s speech. It is a big part of Laura’s story and important to include here.

IF YOU HAVE BEEN TO A QUARTERLY SOCIAL, WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE?

I’ve been to a date night Quarterly Social event at the Axe Factory. It was so much fun! There was such a sense of peace in a weird way…I mean, peace while throwing axes?! There was so much laughter I think my cheeks were sore the next day! It was healing️ because the atmosphere was one where we could just let our guard down and relax, laugh and enjoy the great company of other couples who had experienced the loss of sweet babies.

There is something so relieving about being in company of people who understand what you’ve been through; not all the exact same way but still know the feeling of losing a tiny life. These socials create a safe place and it is bliss! For anyone who thinks about attending a social, do it! It will be one of those moments when you tell yourself, “I’m so glad I did it!” It’s an opportunity to meet other moms and/or dads (dads need this too!).

ARE YOU INVOLVED IN OUR ONLINE COMMUNITY? HOW HAS THAT IMPACTED YOUR JOURNEY OR HEALING?

Yes! This community is another safe place. A place to ask for help, prayer, share your babies, your story, struggles, joys, encouragement and love.

HOW HAS GATHERING HOPE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE?

Gathering Hope has helped me not feel so alone through this journey, through the community and the awareness and breaking the barriers of “not something we openly talk about.” I can honestly say that I felt like I had no one to talk about my miscarriage with; coming from a broken home, to losing my mom and being surrounded by others who either aren’t comfortable talking about it, who think it’s not a big deal or just don’t understand because they’ve never experienced anything like this... that’s what I was dealing with. Alone. I had no one but my husband and even he felt terrible, because he just felt so helpless. But Gathering Hope was there, walking with me.

WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO VOLUNTEER WITH GATHERING HOPE? HAS THAT CHANGED ANYTHING FOR YOU?

It was time to pass down what had been given to me. God put it in my heart to serve and give back—He gave me the strength to get through the first year after my miscarriage through Gathering Hope. He prepared my heart to pour back His love and His Hope into other moms facing loss. It took courage to obey and sign up to volunteer. There were doubts and fears that I wasn’t qualified enough or right for the task, but it’s been such an honor and joy to serve!

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD SHARE WITH A MOM WHO FINDS HERSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF HER JOURNEY?

Give yourself grace and allow yourself to go through emotions. It’s normal but reach out to someone and don’t do it alone. Allow others to help carry the weight with you. God works all things for good, you can trust Him.

Are you one of the 1 in 4? We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE.

Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography

Makeup: Jennifer Thomson Trotter, Lip Service Makeup

Hair: Shannon Morgan, Adorn By Shannon Morgan

Merilyn

Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series over the last few months where you’ve met women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ve seen how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman. Today’s story is just a little bit different, but important and impactful.

As parents who’ve faced loss, we know how helpless it feels when we cannot help or save our babies. It’s confusing, agonizing and can elicit a wide range of feelings. Grief faced in the midst of losing a baby is beyond difficult, but there’s a secondary loss that we don’t often think about: grandparents. Grandparents have the unique heartbreak of not only missing their grandchild, but also watching their own children survive on this side of Heaven without their baby. Merilyn Vantine is one of those grandparents and this is her story. 

I remember how excited our family was when we found out that Carol, my daughter-in-law, and Brad, my son, were expecting another child - and it was a boy!!! They already had two girls, so now Brad would have that son to coach in baseball that he had always wanted. Our family had experienced so many losses in the previous year, and finally, we had something happy to look forward to and celebrate. 

That happiness was short-lived when the baby stopped moving in Carol’s womb. We were told that Matthew Lee Vantine, my 6th grandchild, would be delivered stillborn at 24 weeks. I remember how difficult it was to be in that hospital room, watching my sweet daughter-in-law go through labor and delivery, knowing that she would be going home empty handed. 

As life went on, Carol seemed to be doing well—or so we thought. To be honest, since I had never personally experienced the loss of a baby, I had no idea that Carol was still grieving Matthew’s loss 6 years later until she began writing a blog about her experience in December, 2016. I am still amazed, and somewhat ashamed, that I hadn’t noticed. In February, 2017 she met Peyton. From that chance meeting (we all know it wasn’t really chance, it was a God-thing!), Gathering Hope has become what it is today - a wonderful community that offers resources, healing and comfort to those grieving the loss of a baby. 

I have been volunteering with Gathering Hope since 2017 and it has been such a blessing in my life. It has brought me closer to Carol and helped me understand what it’s like to lose a baby. I love that I can in some way offer love and support, and maybe make a difference to a grieving mom. 

The online resources are also invaluable, not only to moms, but for someone like me. For instance, a few months ago I read an article on the Gathering Hope Facebook page that gave suggestions about things to say to a mom who has lost her baby. I was so grateful that I’d read that post, because a short time later at our Easter church service, Carol introduced me to a friend of hers who lost her son. During our conversation, I remembered the post I read and asked what her baby’s name was. The next time I saw her, she thanked me for asking his name and said it meant so much to her. People don’t ask questions like that and it helps to say their name! 

Little things can mean so much. I am so grateful to Gathering Hope for making such a positive difference in my life, as well as so many grieving moms. My eyes have definitely been opened!

Note from Carol: 
Merilyn has always been a great support to our family, but since she started volunteering at Gathering Hope in 2017, she’s taken that support to a whole new level. She has volunteered at every single gathering that I’ve been a part of, including Oklahoma. Seeing her love and generosity poured out on the women of Gathering Hope, even though she hasn’t lost a baby herself, has touched my heart. She was one of the few people who held Matthew, or even saw him in person. The fact that she has her own memories of my son helps me know that he won’t be forgotten, or isn’t only remembered by me. When a friend or family member acknowledges that there is someone missing in your life, it means everything. I’m forever grateful.

Are you one of the 1 in 4?  We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE. 

Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography 
Makeup: Madison King, Madam Bradley 
Hair: Shannon Morgan, Adorn By Shannon Morgan

Jordann

Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series where you’ll meet women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ll also see how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman.

Today we meet Jordann. She is new to Gathering Hope this year, yet another woman that jumped in with both feet, even before attending her first gathering. She is an advocate through and through, starting almost immediately following the birth of her daughter, Duffy. Kind and enthusiastically passionate about supporting fellow mothers, Jordann is someone we definitely feel blessed to know. As with all of the wonderful women who have shared their stories, we are honored by her willingness to courageously share her experience.   

JORDANN, PLEASE INTRODUCE US TO YOUR BABIES.

Duffy never experienced the world from outside of my body, but she was delivered on January 24, 2019 at 24 weeks. We didn’t always know she was a girl, but during the week our world was turned upside down, we found out that she was, in fact, pink.

Amid the heartbreak, we knew immediately we would share her story. Before Duffy and before my two-year-old son, Ryker, I had a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks. It was my first pregnancy. We never told anyone other than parents and, for Duffy, we would set the record straight.

When we lost her, I could clearly see Satan at work. I could see how, in isolation, he would trap me, and others, in this walk. With a strength not my own, I refused to give way and, instead, give Duffy’s story the light and joy it deserved. To avoid a pile-up of flowers and food on our porch, we set up a living memorial for Duffy and friends and family helped us give her a journey. Now, in a special park in Fort Worth, there is a piece of Duffy’s life there. Pretty incredible for feet that never touched the earth. (Editor’s note: Anyone can enjoy the gift of Duffy’s memory at Fort Worth Dream Park)

Duffy would be just months away from her first birthday now. In this time, she has motivated me to be a healthier version of myself—I think about her every time a workout gets hard. She has allowed me the gracious opportunity to speak about pregnancy and infant loss to those I know – including close friends, strangers and colleagues. She has given me a story to tell when someone thinks they can’t make a difference and, more than anything, she’s a part of a story to tell when someone thinks God can’t draw anything good from a broken heart.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE LEFT YOU LOOKING FOR SUPPORT? WAS THERE ANYONE WHO SUPPORTED YOU WELL?

In one of my life’s lowest points, I’ve never felt more carried by God. He literally sent an army. From a mom group I joined two years ago, they assembled. They showered me with cards and love. They walked with me as I scrambled to make sense of everything. They were, for me, the difference between moving forward and falling flat on my face. We had the support of our parents and close friends. Our family never failed us. Looking back, I was so close to Darkness – The darkness in the wake of loss is real, but community and compassion were my candlelight and it saved me.

This army is a big part of why I am forever indebted to helping other women who are a part of this club none of us wanted to be at a part of. But, we are here. And, so by helping others, I am sharing the support I know I would have been lost without. 

HOW DID YOU FIND GATHERING HOPE AND WHAT HELPED YOU DECIDE TO COME? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A MOM WHO MAY BE HESITANT ABOUT ATTENDING A GATHERING?

The week we lost Duffy, I was scheduled to have coffee with Jennifer Gross with St. Paul Lutheran church. I had to cancel and had to tell her why. She connected me with Peyton. I put the event on my calendar but didn’t register until months later. I figured if I wasn’t going to at least attend, I needed to help others show up. I joined the publicity team and was guided into a position of service. I would like to say this was all my doing, but if you look at the timeline of when we joined St. Paul and when Jennifer and I were set to connect over coffee, you’ll know this was a God thing. 

So, this will be my first gathering. I come into this empathetically sharing in all the same fears as any other first-time guest, not knowing what to expect when I walk through those doors. But, with other moms and survivors, I know I won’t be alone. And not being alone saved me. In doing my part as Duffy’s mom, all I need to do is just get myself there. She deserves to share in the candlelight and love of an evening that honors her life.

WE REACHED OUT TO JORDANN AFTER GATHERING HOPE THIS YEAR AND SHE RECALLED HER EXPERIENCE, ALONG WITH A STORY THAT HAD TO BE SHARED.

Attending my first gathering was nourishment for the soul. I believe Satan uses loss and infertility to break apart friends and family, but God uses them to bring us together. It’s all on which path we choose and choosing to gather hope was how I chose to let it build, instead of break.

We walked through the first set of tables, looking for a seat. I had my mom and sister-in-law with me, so we needed three chairs. After going to three tables, we finally found our table. When we sat down, my mom looked across at me with tears in her eyes. She took her hand and swiveled the flower arrangement around to where I could read it. She said, “Did you know we were sitting at the table where Duffy’s flowers were?” And when I looked at the card, it was the flowers, with a card that read her name, donated by our friends. 

And God said to me, “This is where you were meant to be,” and I’ll never forget it. 

IF YOU HAVE BEEN TO A QUARTERLY SOCIAL, WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO COME?

It took us a while to figure out how to talk about our loss as a couple in a public and in unfamiliar settings, so we haven’t attended the quarterly socials yet, but we stand united in the disappointment we missed axe throwing and will not let that pass us up on the next go-around!

I did, however, take part in the self-care workshop and as someone who thought I had my self-care on point, boy was I wrong! The Gathering Hope Self-Care Workshop put self-care at the forefront of my to-do list on a daily basis and I have truly experienced managing stress and emotions better since attending.

ARE YOU INVOLVED IN OUR ONLINE COMMUNITY? HOW HAS THAT IMPACTED YOUR JOURNEY OR HEALING?

After being introduced to this group, I followed the Gathering Hope Facebook page quietly for some time. When I felt strong, I would contribute to the posts and help women looking for advice. When I felt vulnerable, I would find uplift in the shared articles and videos. I found the group and posts would inadvertently support me via my news feed. 

I may have sometimes just scrolled by, or I may have clicked, but I was always reminded that my loss didn’t have to be a secret. I didn’t have be feel alone or be ashamed by grief and that was a huge turning point in my journey. 

HOW HAS GATHERING HOPE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE?

Giving to Gathering Hope has both fulfilled a calling to serve and a desire to re-direct the energy within that comes from losing all hope – which is crazy to me that I lost all hope in January and in October I’m Gathering Hope.

WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO VOLUNTEER WITH GATHERING HOPE HAS ANYTHING CHANGED FOR YOU?

When someone feels unblessed and doesn’t know what to do, the best thing they can do is bless and help others. In doing so, I have connected with women from so many diverse walks. In feeling compassion for others, I’ve learned to show myself compassion. I don’t tell myself anything I wouldn’t tell another mom enduring and surviving loss.

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD SHARE WITH A MOM WHO FINDS HERSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF HER JOURNEY?

After my missed miscarriage at 10 weeks, I lay in the hospital bed after the D&C procedure. I journaled while I was there, saying it was the worst day of my life. Thirty-seven days later, without missing a beat, I conceived my son. And my worst day ever, became Day 1 of my best story yet.

After Duffy, I experienced a period of waiting – I’m still waiting. But, I’m also still standing. This time, because I’ve chosen to share my story, no matter how sad and messy it is, I’m not standing alone. 

All of this is hope. And while it plays out differently for everyone, each story is worth living out. Don’t stop your story short. Keep trudging, because hope in the future is what makes the past worthwhile.

Are you one of the 1 in 4?  We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE. 

Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography 
Makeup: Lydia Gideon
Hair: Monica Puckett, Memorable Occasions and Hair Design

Elisa

Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series where you’ll meet women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ll also see how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman.

Today we meet Elisa Beasley. She’s a new volunteer this year, although Elisa is a woman who feels like she’s been a part of Gathering Hope for much longer than the last several months. When you meet Elisa, you instantly know that she’s a woman who carries the Spirit with her and goodness…does she ever know how to comfort with prayer. There’s a good reason we had her open both DFW and Oklahoma gatherings this year—her voice is like home. Her testimony is filled with heartbreak and hope, even much more than she’s able to cover here in this post. 

ELISA, PLEASE INTRODUCE US TO YOUR BABIES..

My story can be summed up by the numbers 15, 10, 9, 1 and plus 1.

15 years I struggled through infertility.

10 is the number of pregnancies I have had, and the number of babies in heaven.

9 is the number of miscarriages I have had. Four of them were in the second trimester.

1 is for the infant death we endured.

Her name was Crea, which means “believe” in Spanish. Her pregnancy was HARD. IVs to hydrate every day, vomiting and constant bleeding kept us in and out of urgent care. She was diagnosed with Spina Bifida (where her spine isn’t being covered and leaking spinal fluid) and Omphalocele (her organs growing outside of her body) at 18 weeks. We were given the option to terminate, but that was not an option for us. She was strong and so very full of life, I used to call her my little ninja. At 28 weeks, we were considering moving our lives to Houston for a year because there was a doctor who would open my womb and perform surgery to seal her spine, put her back in my womb and allow me to bake with her. However, there were other plans for us.

At 2am, my water broke at 28 weeks. I was rushed to Fort Worth because we were told if we had her in Denton, they wouldn’t be able to save her life. She needed to be at Cook Children’s Hospital. So off we went. That started 10 weeks of bed rest, 24/7, at the hospital with a broken water bag. She was a warrior. Those 10 weeks let me get to know her unlike I think I would have, had I been going through my pregnancy in “normal” life.

I was in active labor for 12 days and on Sept 6, 2015 she was born. She was immediately taken in for surgery and 5 hours later, the doctors laid out the long list of complications. Step one, however, was to see if she would urinate since she was born with organs outside her body. By 4am, we were told her body was not responding. We asked for a brain scan and were told there was no activity. We held her, spoke to her, loved her, prayed with her. Twenty-six hours after she made her entrance, the machines making her heart beat and lungs take air were shut off. A minute later, she took her last breath in my arms.

I looked up at my dad and asked him if that was it. He nodded his head and wept. I bowed my head and prayed, “Lord, your word says we just need to have faith as small as a mustard seed. I BELIEVE with my all, that you are still doing miracles. Your word says that you can bring life to dry bones. Breathe life back into her and make her whole.”

I opened my eyes and she was still gone. I felt Him gently remind me of Isaiah 55:8 that says, “My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts.”

On September 7, 2015, Crea’s journey was complete. All was as it should be. I didn’t understand it and I didn’t like it, but that was my journey and all I could do about it is respond. I had a moment after she passed when I found myself in my room completely alone. There were no more monitors tracking her heartbeat, no more blood pressure cuffs or IV posts...just me in the room that had served as our nest for 10 weeks. I remember speaking with God and recounting to Him how so many people were watching our journey...so many where praying and believing. I told him, “You could have been glorified by this miracle.” Again, I felt His gentle spirit say to me, “I will be glorified in your response.”

It was from that moment that I have spent my life encouraging people to believe despite. I sure don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it and I am confident that He is well-able. Crea was my 9th pregnancy. I was pregnant again in January after she passed and I miscarried that pregnancy at 10 weeks. That would be my last pregnancy. I thought it was my rainbow, but I know His ways are not my ways.

One year later, on November 8, 2016, my daughter, Cara was born to her birth mom. Taken from her womb and put on my chest where she found my breast and nursed, I became an Earth Mama! My rainbow baby came through an impossible adoption. Nothing about her adoption was possible. Not the money. Not the time. Not the situation. Not even my broken heart. But remember...His ways are not our ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts.

To close my story, I used to be a youth pastor in Southern California. I was at a small prophetic conference. “I have no kids, I am barren,” I said to the speaker when he asked if I had kids. I was 23 years old and it was the first time I shared my struggle with anyone. He said, “That is not what I see. I see three kids; two boys and a girl.”

Today, I am 43. The journey has been hard. It has broken my heart and built me up. I remembered that prophecy a few months back when I was writing things that I am grateful for. I was married 2 years ago, and we are a blended family. My husband had his kids and I had Cara. In my journal, I wrote, “I am grateful for our children; 2 boys and 1 girl.” His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts, but if we will believe despite, He will complete what He has begun.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE LEFT YOU LOOKING FOR SUPPORT? WAS THERE ANYONE WHO SUPPORTED YOU WELL? WHAT DO YOU WISH HAD BEEN AVAILABLE IN TERMS OF SUPPORT?

I am grateful that I have courageous friends! I have said this so many times in the grief journey. I am so grateful I have friends that aren't afraid to ask the tough questions and have the excruciating conversations. I was blessed to have strong support and it drives me to reach out as often as I can, so that no woman ever feels alone in this journey.

HOW DID YOU FIND GATHERING HOPE AND WHAT HELPED YOU DECIDE TO COME? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A MOM WHO MAY BE HESITANT ABOUT ATTENDING A GATHERING?

I found Gathering Hope through my friend, Vanessa Delgado.  She and I have shared in our journeys. I was instantly drawn to GH because of its personality. I looked at the Facebook page, then the website and saw that these women were fierce!

There they were, with broken hearts, looking at each other eye to eye, giving hugs that radiate love and I thought, "They have found a way to make every mom feel as valuable as her baby!" I am a part of many, many groups and I found that outside of "I'm sorry for your loss,” there wasn't much of an exchange.  Even on the Facebook feeds for GH, it is a virtual room filled with encouragers who truly know, not just feeling out of sympathy but straight from empathy. They are brave enough to talk about it and share their stories. That connection cannot be compared to anything else. 

This was my first year attending and participating. I would tell a mom who was hesitant about coming to Gathering Hope, that this was made for all of us. Put away all the excuses and get to an event. As women, we find it difficult to make time for ourselves and when it comes to miscarriage and infant loss, it is so incredibly intimate and painful. At a gathering there are women whose babies left 15 years ago, some of them 15 days ago. So, no matter where you are on the journey, this place was created for you! You owe this to yourself. You are now part of a club that no one wants to be a part of—make time to meet some of its members who are just like you, trying to find their place, figuring out the “new normal” and learning to live with a broken heart. Gathering Hope was made for you. 

ARE YOU INVOLVED IN OUR ONLINE COMMUNITY? HOW HAS THAT IMPACTED YOUR JOURNEY OR HEALING?

Yes!  As stated above, it is so much more than just a "praying for you" or "I'm sorry" page.  I truly believe people are praying and saying each woman's name. It makes such a difference in healing.

HOW HAS GATHERING HOPE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE?

I can't shout it from the rooftops enough--WE ARE NOT ALONE! Gathering Hope breathes hope into the broken everyday moments, the moments that people would think we need to "just get over".  Or the moments that I am so very glad not everyone understands. Gathering Hope has given a voice to weary hearts that felt they needed to be silent and move on. But it doesn't stop there. It empowers women to take back their days, moments and memories. We honor by sharing.  Sharing builds and empowers.

 WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO VOLUNTEER WITH GATHERING HOPE? HAS THAT CHANGED ANYTHING FOR YOU?

 All of the above.  I am so proud and count it a privilege to serve. I knew when Crea died that this journey was not going to be wasted. Every moment of it has had a chance to have an impact, so I am happy to be serving.

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD SHARE WITH A MOM WHO FINDS HERSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF HER JOURNEY?

Three things: it's OK not to be OK. You are not the only one. It is your journey, your time frame, your pace. (There’s SO much meat in those three, but I don't want to get my preach on so I will leave it there! LOL!) 

**Editor’s note: We plan to ask Elisa to elaborate and “get her preach on” in a future post!

SHARE ANYTHING THAT’S IMPORTANT TO YOUR STORY THAT WE MAY HAVE FAILED TO ASK ABOUT.

I didn't share about us disconnecting the machines with Crea until last year. I never shared about how sick she was until last year. For her 5th birthday, I felt ready to talk about it. I didn't feel, for a long time, that some would understand about us disconnecting the machines. But when I finally shared, that part of the journey was received with so much love. It helped put light into the areas where I felt so much shame.

Also, when Cara was 4 months old, Crea’s father left us. After she died, he took to drinking. He pushed for the adoption, went through the process, and when we brought Cara home, he couldn't connect. He left and I have not heard from him to this day. I was left as a single mother. All this time I wanted a family and I finally got the baby, but was alone. God knew what He was doing--He brought Brian into our lives and he has led our family with Christ as the head. I can't imagine what life would be like today without that.

The journey through this grief has been such that I have shared parts in segments as I felt ready, and that is okay.

Are you one of the 1 in 4? We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE. 

Photography: Judy Rodriguez, Judy Rodriguez Photography 

Makeup: Jennifer Trotter, Lip Service Makeup

Hair: Monica Puckett, Memorable Occasions and Hair Design

Piper

Welcome to The Story Project: Faces of the 1 in 4, a series where you’ll meet women of different ages, backgrounds and stages of pregnancy loss, yet within the context of remembering that they’re all mothers. You’ll also have the opportunity to see how community has made a difference in the lives of each woman.

Today we meet Piper Noakes. She is a someone that we could write many, many words about, but today she’s sharing her story in her own words. She is passionate, loves fiercely and is a beautiful soul, inside and out. Piper has been with Gathering Hope since it’s inception, and is the mother of six children, five of whom live in Heaven. She also blogs at https://swimmingthepontchartrain.wordpress.com/.

PIPER, PLEASE INTRODUCE US TO YOUR BABIES.

My journey into motherhood started at the age of eighteen, when I became pregnant with twins. Around 8 weeks along I found out that I was going through what they call a missed miscarriage and would need a DNC. I had just confirmed the pregnancy with a doctor, then found out about the loss, then learned that there wasn’t just one baby, but two. It was such a whirlwind.

About eight months later I met my husband. After being together for a little over a year we got pregnant with our daughter, Addie. As financially ill-prepared as we were, she couldn’t have been more wanted, loved, or cherished. Sadly, Addie passed away at 32 weeks 5 days for reasons we’ll never know. She was such a beautiful girl--long fingers, chunky toes, and the most precious button nose.

My heart was so heavy and my arms so empty after Addie that we started trying again and were pregnant 6 months later--8 weeks in, another missed miscarriage. Testing showed nothing more than a healthy baby girl. Our sweet Avery. Almost a year after Avery we found out about our little man on the way. We went to what seemed like a thousand appointments and I was induced early. Charlie came into the world just shy of eight pounds, handsome beyond measure and is about to celebrate his fifth birthday. Getting to watch him grow has been my greatest blessing.

We waited until Charlie was three to start talking about a little brother or sister and got pregnant very quickly- being high risk we were monitored closely again and everything was looking amazing. With a due date of July 4th and induction date set to be mid June, we were gearing up to bring a little lady home. Yet again, for no known reason, we lost her at a mere five gestational days after Addie. Thirty-three weeks and 3 days. 

It seemed (and still seems) absolutely unbelievable that we were there again. That we were in that same room, getting ready to do the same motions, and had to let her go.

We couldn’t bring her home like we did Charlie. Little Miss Viola was born with the most gorgeous hair, long fingers like her big sister and a dimple in her chin just like Charlie.

We work hard to make sure “sisters” (as Charlie likes to call them) are incorporated into our daily lives and that we visit them at least once a week. It’s certainly not the family dynamic we had imagined, and I can’t say that there are many “easy” days, but our love is so much greater than our grief.

photo by Heavy Glow

WHAT ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE LEFT YOU LOOKING FOR SUPPORT? WAS THERE ANYONE WHO SUPPORTED YOU WELL? WHAT DO YOU WISH HAD BEEN AVAILABLE IN TERMS OF SUPPORT?

After Addie passed away we were supported by many people; there were cards, check-ins, flowers and food. It was such a blanket of warmth in an unbelievably cold time. Within a couple of weeks most everyone went back to their daily lives, or in my grieving mind, “moved on”. I realized I needed to find other Mommas like me, other families like ours. There were so many groups, chat boards and websites for mothers who have lost children but no one that met anywhere near me.

HOW DID YOU FIND GATHERING HOPE AND WHAT HELPED YOU DECIDE TO COME? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL A MOM WHO MAY BE HESITANT ABOUT ATTENDING A GATHERING?

Really and truly, Gathering Hope found me. One of the founders, Peyton came in to where I was working one day. I’m not quite sure what started the conversation, but before I knew it, her precious little man had a special place in my heart and my babies in hers.

I volunteered to be a Table Leader at the very first event, and can’t tell you how much I needed it. The companionship. The common thread. I had been lonely in this aspect for so long, and here I was in a room full of Mommas who knew me and understood my emotions better than anyone I had been around. As nervous as I was ahead of time, it melted away walking in. Love emanates from us, Mommas- it’s a beautiful thing when we get together.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO A QUARTERLY SOCIAL? WHAT WAS YOUR EXPERIENCE LIKE? WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO COME?

I’ve only attended one quarterly social so far (shout out to the socially anxious Moms), but I loved it and plan on going to them from here on out. We had a really great time and my crazy emotions weren’t judged one bit.

ARE YOU INVOLVED IN OUR ONLINE COMMUNITY? HOW HAS THAT IMPACTED YOUR JOURNEY OR HEALING?

Where to begin about the online community… It was the first place I went after we delivered Viola. I knew I had every single Momma there with me. I’m in tears now, when I tell you I felt each bit of love and every prayer…I have no doubt our sweet Viola did as well.

HOW HAS GATHERING HOPE MADE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE?

Child loss can be extremely isolating, at least I know it’s felt that way for me. Friendships fizzled out, and people just seemed to disappear after Viola died. I like to chalk it up to my ‘rainy days’…some are ‘fair weather friends’, and sadly my dark days can tend to outweigh the sunny ones. Gathering Hope has helped me to understand that my emotions are valid, that there are other Mothers grieving right alongside me. I have a place to acknowledge my babies, my sadness and joy. That has been priceless for me.

WHAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO VOLUNTEER WITH GATHERING HOPE? HAS THAT CHANGED ANYTHING FOR YOU?

I chose to volunteer for Gathering Hope because of the genuine love and passion that poured from Peyton when she spoke about her vision for the event. I wanted to meet these other Mommas, hear about their sweet little loves, know their names. I mean it when I say it’s been one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. There’s no greater honor than getting to know you and your babies, and I’ll never be able to express my gratitude for you knowing me and mine.

WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WOULD SHARE WITH A MOM WHO FINDS HERSELF AT THE BEGINNING OF HER JOURNEY?

Be gentle with yourself. Read that over again, please.

Your feelings, your pain, the numbness--it’s all valid. Your grief is valid. Remember that your mind, body, and soul are all going through something no one should ever have to.

Please don’t be afraid to speak up as to what others can do for you; be it food, cleaning, or just to stop bothering you for a bit.

Also, therapy helps. I promise. You’re worth it.

Are you one of the 1 in 4? We invite you to connect with us online in our private Facebook group as HERE. To read other installments of The Story Project, click HERE. 

Photography: Judy Rodriguez Photography
Makeup: Madison King
Hair: Shannon Morgan